We open up continuing with Lala’s thing over Katie. Again, Lala just wanted Katie to join on the Hate Ariana bandwagon, and Katie was smart enough not to buy into that nonsense. Lala calls Katie fake and Ariana is like, “Katie’s been herself for 11 years and has been hated by the fans for it.” Honestly, true.
Andy: Katie looks pissed.
Lala: Well, that’s standard.
Also true.
Oh man, I honestly forgot that Schwartz let slip he’d “kissed” Scheana.
It happened at Scheana’s little sister’s high school cheerleading competition. Yea, that’s not at all weird that he was there. Also, truly nothing more romantic than a high school cheerleading competition…
Anyway, so we roll the historical archives of Schwartz continually cheating on Katie and Schwartz goes, “By the way, can I just apologize for being a sloppy fool for so long?” I mean, no, because “sloppy fool” doesn’t begin to cover what you were. And also… you’re STILL DOING IT.
Lol classic Scheana to be like “all the guys in this group have hit on me at some point.”
I also forgot that Katie hooked up with Max. Am I ok? Do I need to get my memory checked? Andy’s like, “Did you do that as revenge?”
Katie: I could see how it would seem that way.
So… yes. Who cares, we’ve all had a revenge hookup. Right?
OMG Andy, not you too bringing up this false equivalency of Katie hooking up with Max being the same as Schwartz kissing Raquel right after Katie asked him not to. For the last fucking time!!! SCHWARTZ STOMPED ALL OVER THE BOUNDARY AND METAPHORICALLY SPAT IN KATIE’S FACE SO THE BOUNDARY NEVER EXISTED SINCE ONE SIDE SAID THEY WOULD NOT RESPECT IT FROM THE GET-GO!!! It is too early in the show for me to be this angry.
Andy asks Katie if her swooping in on Tori was “revenge-inspired as well.” Katie says “no I was just in my ho phase this summer.” Relatable.
So now we’re revisiting the Tahoe trip. Andy’s like, “Ariana, why do you think people say you got an ego after being cheated on?”
Ariana: Well, Schwartz is the only one that said that.
All of us knowing what’s coming at the end of the finale:
Ariana also calmly tells Scheana that her feeling conflicted towards her friendship with Schwartz is valid, but she’s not the person to go to with those feelings.
Ariana is honestly a QUEEN for being so gracious. You could never make me hate her.
We roll the tape of Lala telling everyone they can’t so much as breathe in Randall’s direction and Andy asks Lala what the difference is between her boundary and Ariana’s. THANK YOU!!
Lala tries to be like, “There was one big difference. I was in a custody battle with Randall.” Okay I’m kinda tired of Lala acting like she’s the only person to ever have a kid and therefore this makes all her problems unique and beyond comprehension (unless you’re on her side, of course). She goes, “If you don’t have a child you will never understand.” That’s not necessary; you can just say it’s different because Randall was not close friends with Schwartz for 15 years so him inviting him over to play pickleball was obviously manipulative, and we’d all get it. But also… having slightly different circumstances doesn’t diminish the fact that Lala and Ariana are both allowed to have the same boundary.
Ariana and Lala have a pretty calm back-and-forth about why she needs to respect Ariana’s boundaries even if she doesn’t understand them.
Ok so now Lala gets mad at Ariana for not pushing back when Charli said Lala’s just upset because she slept with a bad guy and didn’t even get a house out of it. The same Lala who famously bragged about sucking dick for a Range Rover. No wonder this girl has 2 L’s in her name.
Ariana: You talk louder than everybody and so you’re right.
THANK YOU!!! (The title of this recap tbh)
Ok now we’re recapping the Scheana photo drama. Andy is really trying to make this the Villainize Ariana hour, and I love that she’s just so calm throughout all of this, but I am getting a vibe that she’s over the show. And you know what?
If she takes a break or permanent leave from the show, I’d applaud it.
This is so surreal to watch, like Ariana is really leagues above this all. We’re talking about her on the finale of DWTS; we’re talking about her starring in Chicago. Like, get outta here. You’re too good for this shit. It’s also so weird to be talking about Ariana’s national stardom and then be like, “So, James, how is it living next to the airport with a yard made out of Astroturf?” Lol.
Andy is a real one for publicly pleading for anyone from DWTS watching to get Scheana on the show. He’s the homie. He’s probably just sick of hearing her talk about it. True LOL at Scheana being like, “I’m gonna be too busy with the band this year so I don’t even want to be on it this year.” That’s like when you reject a guy and he goes “Well fuck you bitch I never liked you anyway, you’re ugly.”
Oh boy, Ally and Jo are here. Damn, Andy goes, “Let’s welcome James’s girlfriend Ally, and definitely not Schwartz’s girlfriend, Jo.” Ouch!! That one hurt me, a completely objective third party with absolutely no personal interest in the matter!
Omg Katie says when watching the show she felt bad for Jo. I love that Katie is going in on Schwartz and sticking up for Jo right now. This is the Tom-hating season we should’ve had — nay, deserved!! *Looks angrily at Scheana and Lala*
Wow it’s gross to watch Schwartz revert into Bubba mode aka belittle Katie and try to use $1.50 words to make her look dumb. No, fuck you, Katie is right!!
Jesus man, when James is telling you you look like you’re gaslighting someone… it’s time to reevaluate your life and choices. Tbh why did they bring Jo on this reunion to just humiliate her?
Schwartz 2 seconds later: So my new girlfriend is ridiculously good-looking.
Ok Zoolander, time to pack it up. Even Sandoval calls him out for being disrespectful to Jo.
Lmao and there’s classic Katie back at it, saying that calling Jo a rat girl, psychopath, etc. were simply “colorful descriptions” and nothing more. I can kinda see how she and Schwartz got married since I don’t think either of them have ever apologized in their entire lives. But man, would I have made a killing as their couple’s therapist.
Katie: I said you had the energy of a crackhead, I never said you smoke crack! God!
Yes totally, the problem with that sentence is merely the implication of ingesting crack. Carry on!
Andy goes, “Jo, before you leave, anything you wanna say?”
Jo: I learned a lot and had a great time with everyone except Katie and I’m gonna go home and cry.
Andy:
Ok so I love how we end with Andy going, “And now let’s talk about the star of the season.”
Scheana: Summer Moon?
Lmao the delulu is so strong with this one. How can I bottle up just an ounce of that to give me the confidence to get through the day? No, we’re talking about Ann.
Sandoval clarifies that Ann doesn’t touch dirty laundry but tidying up after parties is “literally in the job description.” I would pay to see that job description.
Now we’re rehashing Mya’s brush with death. Ariana’s like, “it’s my right to be gross and leave half-eaten delivery in my room.”
So James jumps in with some stuff I don’t understand about Hippie and getting his dick wet. Ok wait, so Sandoval didn’t have a problem with Raquel taking unilateral custody of the dog formerly known as Graham, but now has a problem with Ariana taking the dog. I think I get it? Anyway, Sandoval threatens James with some Ruuumahz and Nastiness that he’s heard and James tells him to eat a dick. Sandoval comes back with this genius comeback: You eat a dick, bro!
Sick burn!